I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
