I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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