I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
