just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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