i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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