Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
