I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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