ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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