If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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