Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
