You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
