Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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