...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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