So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
