I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
