Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
