I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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