There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
