I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
