i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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