Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i drank out of a bidet.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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