my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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