I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
