When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
