Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
