mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My penis needs a shock collar
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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