A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she told me i tasted like america
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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