she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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