Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
