Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
