Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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