i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
