Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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