am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I wish you could order shots online.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
