quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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