Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
