PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
