I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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