She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
