1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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