I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
