we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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