Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
