I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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