i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
