hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
