i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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