A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
