If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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