Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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