Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
