we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
